The Magic Half-Hour

Do not go to a Chinese restaurant between 3:15PM and 3:45PM even if there is an "OPEN FOR BUSINESS" sign in the window. This is the restaurant staff's lunch half-hour, and in Chinese restaurants the staff lunch is a ritual that any prospective customer would be wise not to interrupt.

It is the one time in their busy day when the staff can sit, relax, and chat while downing heaping bowls of rice and enormous platters of appetizing meats and vegetables that do not show up in the regular menu. It is also their main meal of the day, which explains why the portions are generous - they tend to be larger by far than the platters served at $300 twelve-course wor choi banquets - and are unlikely to be laced with sodium glutamates, whether mono- or di-, with which the paying customer's meal is typically impregnated, often in total disregard of earnest pleas of "No MSG, please."

Knowledgeable diners stay away during that critical half-hour. Our advice is intended for other diners who, because they may be less culturally aware (or may be inconveniently hungry), could wander into a Chinese restaurant only to discover to their chagrin that the "OPEN" sign really means the following:

'Yeah, we're open because our sign says so, but it is hardly convenient at this time for us to leave what we are doing, namely, enjoying this delicious meal with our fellow staff members, who, though we love them dearly, are not above picking the choicest pieces from these dishes, while one or another of us waitpersons is gone, having been designated to be the one to do the job because you the thoughtless customer happen to catch his or her eye, and because our job description requires that he or she attend to your needs by getting up off of this here table and walking over to take your order, then to write it down in shorthand and then to bring it in to the glowering duty cook standing there by the door of the kitchen sucking his teeth, whose turn it is to fire up the wok which has been on high alert since we started eating, a cook, by the way, who it behooves us to be considerate of, since he not only stir-fries for you the customer but also for us the employees of this establishment for whom this half-hour meal is by custom and tradition the high point of our daily labors, breaking up as it happily does our busy day by separating the hectic lunchtime crowds from the equally hectic dinnertime crowds, two groups which, if you were not the inconsiderate character that you appear to be, you would have had to elbow and jostle while standing in line to get a table because this establishment has such a reputation for good food, having been favorably written up by the food editor of the local newspaper, that it does not even take reservations nowadays, so that it would be highly unlikely for you to be seated even after a half-hour's wait, and all we are asking at this time is for you to leave us in peace for just another, say, twenty minutes or so of our very own to allow us to finish this meal, which if we were to abandon even for a minute to see to your needs would be stone cold by the time we resumed and is it really so much to ask that you to show some thoughtfulness for just a few more moments so we can chew and swallow our food and not have to rush around like chickens without heads and thereby risk an attack of indigestion, and for us to be adequately nourished before returning to setting tables, wrapping won tons, and plucking the tails off of bean sprouts, until the dinnertime clientele descends upon us again, which will be sooner than you might suppose, and usually around six o'clock. In short, if you would be kind enough to stroll around the block for let's say fifteen minutes, it would be much appreciated by our by then well-fed staff who should be ready to attend to your needs when you return."